Half Baked Ideas
by Rainfelt aka Phoe-chan
Summary: [PG13 to be safe] Little things Phoechan spits out to get her juices flowing. Random themes, Random pairings, random randomness. 1st: SasuHina mockfic, 2nd: NaruHina sap.
1. Uchiha and Hyuuga

**AN:** Just a little... err... tribute to one of the most unrealistic pairings out there. At least, in my humble opinion. Warning, language and really, really stupid narrating. You all know how I am. 

**Disclaimer:** Can't think of anything witty. So I don't own it. Or a brain for that matter.

**Sasuke and Hinata:** _A match made in... well, it certainly wasn't Heaven._

* * *

OK, so let's see here. I've seen an increase of Sasuke and Hinata fics around here. Really, people, c'mon. xx; 

Think of the results!

_preparing situation-_

Sasuke stood in the waiting room.

He didn't want to be there.

Not only did he have bad memories of hospitals, (Ya know, comas induced by psychotic brothers, fights atop the hospital roof and having to pay for the two hundred plus bed sheets you burned to ashes, things like that don't do well for your mental stability. Not that he had much to begin with, but I digress.) but Sasuke was getting sick of the wait.

Of course, Sasuke was fairly patient. One had to be with a personality like his...or lack thereof.

However, there was a sole reason he was here today.

His wife was giving birth to their first child.

Now you may ask, when did the Anti-Christ make his appearance and scare Sasuke into grabbing a woman and shagging her senseless?

Well, it's a funny story, you see...

_flashback sequence-_

Hey! Cut that out! No flashbacks! We are not doing flashbacks, people. I am sick of flashbacks! So go back, back I say! Back to the present, damnit!

_flashback drops dead-_

There we go.

Let's just say that Sasuke grabbed the first woman who he thought would produce a good heir and not burn his ears off with her high-pitched voice.

Granted, her stuttering often grated on Sasuke's nerves, but she was definitely quieter.

Yes, we are talking about the famed Hyuuga Hinata of the Hyuuga Clan.

Now, why would Hinata agree? I mean, let's look at the facts, folks. She's all but obsessed with Naruto, she has her own clan to worry about, and Sasuke's the kind of person who'd scare her shitless.

The last reason is probably how she ended up in the marriage.

Sasuke appearing in your room in the dead of night proposing is enough to make any sane woman wet her pants.

Well, fortunately, she didn't, but she did shriek and sent Sasuke running with about fifteen Byakugan-pumped ninja after him.

Sasuke made sure to set up an appointment the next time he went to visit. His internal organs insisted.

So, anyway, after Hinata was to scared to say no, they got hitched, had a happy honeymoon on a B-class mission fighting off ninjas in the night, (Ah, how romantic) Sasuke made sure to get her pregnant.

Unfortunately, that required sex, and see, when Sasuke was talking about reviving his clan when he was 12 years old, he hadn't really thought that part out yet.

Poor virgin Sasuke was in for the time of his life.

Fortunately, being a genius helped him figure the situation out. That, and for some reason, Hinata knew what to do.

So! Now back to the present (that wasn't a flashback, damnit!) Sasuke is pacing. He wants a boy. Of course he wants a boy. They require less care and he was not going to raise a little girl who'd want to play dress-up and have tea-parties. Well, for that matter, he wasn't going to diaper-change, either, but again, I digress.

So, after a few days of labour, (OK, I'm exaggerating, but let me have my fun!) the doctor stepped out of the hospital with the chainsaw on his shoulder (hyperbole is a fun word to say). "Congratulations, Uchiha-san. You're a daddy."

Sasuke never liked that word. "Male or female?"

Gee, how caring. The doctor stepped aside as the man walked into the room. "He's a healthy baby boy."

Healthy. Boy. Good. Baby, eh. Can't have everything now can we?

Hinata smiled warmly up at him and he returned the smile with an arched brow and a slight twich of a facial muscle. Unfortunately, it wasn't near the mouth. It was on his cheek. ...Which was kinda odd.

The baby had his eyes closed and Hinata held him up for Sasuke to take. Sasuke hesitated. How the hell was you supposed to hold this thing? Well, it was obvious not by it's feet... He'd just do it the way Hinata was. He took the kid and looked down at it. "Would you like to name him, Sasuke-kun?"

"Hn."

Really, Sasuke. That's not a good name for a kid. Especially when that's half of your vocabulary right there.

So, while Sasuke ran through his limited knowledge of names that would fit, (All of which were not the names of animals), the baby decided to wake up. He yawned and opened his eyes.

Sasuke glanced down and his face paled until he was... paler than he was before.

The pupiless pink eyes stared up at him in wonder. Kid was probably thinking _'who the hell is this psycho and why is he holding me?'_. That, or _'if you're my mommy, you're damn ugly.'_

Or he could just have to fart, we're not really sure.

But, back to Sasuke...

The scream he let loose was none too manly. And he easily beat the shrieks his fanclub still made.

Ah, the birth of a new bloodline limit! The pink-eye!

For a genius, Sasuke sure didn't see this coming.

What a shame.

The Uchiha clan is so screwed.

_The End. Har._

_Oh, c'mon people. You know it's true. Besides, Sasuke's destined to... well, at the moment he's definitely not getting any. At least, I hope._

_Yeah..._

_Phoe-chan_


	2. Satsukiyami

**AN:** Anyone who knows me knows I'm not particularly fond of NaruHina. Why did I write this? I'll explain at the end. 

**Disclaimer:** I disclaim.  
**Pairing: **NaruHina

**Half-Baked Ideas**

_Satsukiyami_**  
**

**

* * *

**

The first rains of the season came that day, and with it came dark clouds, distant rumblings of thunder, and the sudden sound of water hitting the floor.

She stopped when she felt it break. Her eyes widened as she stood there, holding the heavy box in her hands as Naruto ran into the room, having heard her gasp. After all, he was acutely aware of when things were amiss when concerning his dearest wife.

"Hinata-chan?"

She turned to look at him and saw the perplexity on his features as he stared at her.

"You're leaking."

* * *

Naruto irritably paced back and forth in the hospital waiting room. He was notorious for his impatience and this time it was no exception.

Which was why Nara Shikamaru nearly had his hand bitten off when he approached Naruto from behind and clasped his shoulder. "Hoi, Naruto, calm down."

The young man whirled around, mouth opened to dish out a nasty retort when he saw the familiar lazy look of Shikamaru that he'd grown accustomed to over the years. Immediately he relaxed, shoulders slumping. "Ah, Shikamaru... y'got my call?"

"Yeah. Came over as soon as I could," Shikamaru replied, shoving his hands in his pockets of his slacks. "How's Hinata?"

Naruto folded his arms over his chest in a bout of insecurity. "She's OK... Sakura-chan says that the baby could come at any time."

Shikamaru arched one fine brow. "But she's not due for another month at least."

"Her water broke. Sakura said that means the baby's coming."

Shikamaru nodded, glancing toward the doors Hinata was behind. "She must have forced herself into premature labour."

Naruto looked guilty. "I kept telling her to let me do everything but she wouldn't listen. She insisted she could help..."

"You're not at fault, Naruto. She's in good hands. Sakura's an excellent doctor."

"I agree."

Naruto and Shikamaru looked up to see white eyes staring back at them. "I came back from my mission and received word from the Hyuuga that Hinata-sama was in the hospital."

Naruto cringed. He knew how that must have sounded to the Hyuuga prodigy. Neji's expression softened slightly. "I was also told that she is fine and in good hands."

Naruto exhaled softly as he meandered over to a chair and slid into it, running his hands over his face. "It's going to be a long night, eh? Any idea on how to pass the time? Only thing on TV is reruns of Gilligan's Pennisula."

"Island."

"S'what I said."

Neji sighed and reached for something in his pocket. "Here. Maybe this will help."

Naruto pulled his hands away and stared at the object hovering in front of his face. "...Go Fish?"

Neji gave Naruto a flat look and pulled the packet of cards away. "First of all, it's Uno, not Go Fish. And secondly, cards are a good way to pass time."

"Says the man who meditates methodically on a daily basis," Naruto muttered under his breath.

Neji rolled his eyes, or so Naruto thought, and sat down Indian-style on the floor, taking out the cards and shuffling. Shikamaru sat behind him and after a moment, Naruto shrugged and slid onto the floor with them. "Alright. Who deals?"

* * *

"Neji, you are so cheating."

"No, I am not."

"You so are! You're using your Byakugan to see my cards."

"No, I'm not. You just happen to be very obvious about what cards you do and don't have."

Naruto pouted, holding his cards closer to his face as he peeked over them to glare at Neji and Shikamaru, the latter struggling between looking bored and amused. It was getting into the early morning hours, the rain continued to fall steadily, and the men were on their sixteenth game of Uno. Some empty bowls of take-out ramen sat beside them and the TV was churning out old lifetime movies on low volume.

Just when Naruto began to shuffle the cards for a new game, the doors opened and Sakura emerged, pulling her haircap off. Smiling, she wiped the sweat from her brow. "Congratulations, Naruto. You're a daddy."

Naruto's eyes widened as his hands went on strike mid-shuffle, sending cards spraying in all directions. He stood abruptly, stared at Sakura for a moment and then inquired, "Can I go see her?"

"Of course."

Naruto hurried past Sakura and into the room and stopped at seeing Hinata holding a small bundle in her hands. Cautiously, the young man approached the bedside. Hinata looked up and smiled at him. "Come see, Naruto-kun. She's beautiful."

A girl. It was a girl. He felt giddy. He leaned over the bed and stared down at his newborn child. Wide, white eyes stared at him as Naruto noticed tuffs of bright blonde hair peeking out of the blanket. And on her red cheeks were little whisker-marks. "She is beautiful... What are we going to call her?"

Hinata looked at the bouquet of wildflowers on the nearby table, then down at the little bundle of joy in her arms. Softly, she whispered, "Satsuki. Her name is Satsuki."

_End._

* * *

_Omake:_

_And outside, Neji was doing a dance of joy. "I'M AN UNCLE!"_

_...Or not._

**AN: **What is it with me and writing pointless oneshots about Hinata getting knocked up? (I should be shot for that comment.)

Now! I've never been a huge NaruHina fan. It's cute, but I just don't like it much, but my favourite Naruto RPG OC happens to be the offspring of Naruto and Hinata. This idea came to mind last night as I tried to fall asleep. And well, it was a shameless plug. Though Sats got no real screentime. That's OK, though. I'll make it up to her by RPing as her with some friends. XD

**Note: **Satsuki, for those of you who don't know, is the name of the fifth month of the lunar calendar. Also, it's a base used in a lot of words that deal with rain and early summer. Like the title, _Satsukiyami_, is a dark night in the rainy season. We can just assume the child was born in May or June-ish.

Please enjoy!

_Phoe-chan_


End file.
